The Eventing Curmudgeon has weighed in on a critical issue in the eventing world. For obvious reasons he must remain anonymous, so here goes you 3-day people.
I have just reviewed photos of the jog outfits presented by riders at the Ocala International Three Day Event and had to reach for my eye drops they were hurting so badly. I know it's hard to pick out an appropriate outfit for November in Florida (what season is it really?) but it shouldn't be that hard to find good business casual and cruise wear in central Florida this time of year. It seems that my dear eventing community needs a few lessons on what should and should not been seen moving up the jog strip. I'm going to be using my best old queer guy eye to pass out some major fashion police citations here so buckle up!
First, a Note or Two About the Guys
The horse isn't the only one that gets groomed. Take a shower. Shave. Pre select clothes your mom would like and pack them neatly before you leave for the event. Don't just rifle through the back seat of your jeep for something to wear. If you do have to resort to improvising at the last minute (because we all know how you lose your s@#$ when girls are around) you'll find a comb and an iron in your girlfriend's trailer. Use them.
And for the love of all that is holy, put on a belt. Plumber's crack is not a good look now matter how much cross fit you think you do.
If you wear a suit make sure it fits. You wear it, it doesn't wear you. Your arms aren't going to grow into those sleeves regardless of how many times your mom says it makes you look like such a big boy. If it's a suit, make sure the coat and pants match. Navy blue and cobalt blue are not the same thing no matter how dark it was when you dressed yourself.
And don't get me started on ball caps. You don't need to look like a pin head, even if you have one.
Since when do wing tips and business suits look right in a barn context much less leading a horse in a brisk trot up. Who wants to look like a runaway undertaker? Would it be too much to ask the see a good button down/blazer combo on top of clean jeans, a pocket square for a touch of class, a good belt buckle (not too gaudy) and well polished leather paddock boots at the jog? Try harder you monkeys!
Now For the Girls
The managers of Forever 21 must think a cheerleader convention is in town since their entire stock of micro mini hemlines left stores near Ocala over the last week. Throughout the jog I kept hearing the divine Michael Kors in my head saying "Slutty slutty slutty". Ain't nobody got time for that. I'm all for dressing to advertise one's charms but at the jog it's the horse that should be the focus of attention (unless he's lame of course - then a short skirt or going bra-less is just strategic)
Ladies, no one wants to have their very own Sharon Stone Basic Instinct moment while running a horse at 220 meters per minute on a gravel path for the judges. You aren't going to singles' night. Roy Moore isn't on the ground jury and I can guaranty that Peter Gray and Bobby Stephenson aren't going to be impressed.
Regardless what you are wearing, practice running and jogging your horse in it. If you feel a breeze underneath when you are moving, that might mean something. If your fake bird fascinator flies away before the first turn, get rid of it. If you can't run in heels on a sidewalk, you better not be trying to do it on a jog path holding a three day fit horse by a leather strap. And for God's sake, I'm channeling the great Edna Mode here- NO BELL BOTTOMS ... EVER. It will be like watching a rabbit get caught in a snare.
Here are a few more simple laws of jog strip fashion to take to heart. If Ru Paul wore it better, don't try it. Certain looks are owned by others and cannot be copied. So please leave the Kenneth Cole thigh high hip boots off the jogway. Severe color blocking is so mid 80s and makes you look like a flag. Don't do it. I understand you might want to reference your barn colors but one should never compromise on taste doing so. And never, ever, ever, wear the same jog outfit twice. This is a competition and nobody is intimidated by a recycled outfit. Go shopping. You get three finger wags for that kind of laziness.
Dear friend, the jog outfits aside, it is my greatest hope that all competitors have a safe and successful time at Ocala this week. Sadly I am still recovering from my harrowing experience reviewing photos of old cross country death traps that I must take a moment thinking about other less controversial things, like politics. Please wish everyone my best and I hope you find some way to help me express my views.
Very truly yours,
The Eventing Curmudgeon